» Short Stories
'Attack of the Werewolf Cheerleaders from Outer Space'
by Michael "Wolfman" Hepburn
“Oh Chuck, you are the swellest boy I ever did meet,” chirped a pretty blonde girl, whose curvaceous body was barely covered by a cheerleader's uniform.
“Oh Cherry May, you are the sweetest girl I ever did see,” replied Chuck, a tall, muscular quarterback, who had only a moment before gave Cherry May his varsity jacket. She looked excitedly at it and repeatedly kissed the B-shaped chenille patch; symbol of their High School's football team - the Mighty, Fighting Beavertown Beavers. State Champions, 10 years in a row.
They sat in his father's convertible Oldsmobile, on the edge of Lovers' Cliff, which overlooked the quaint, small mid-western town they called home. A town full of simple, hard-working folk.
Cherry May stopped kissing the jacket and looked at Chuck's big blue eyes, and then his mouth. Though delightfully coy, she gathered the courage to say “Chuck, I think we should go to... second base now.” Chuck bellowed a “yee-haw” and nervously kissed his sweetheart's lips.
While in their fumbling embrace, they didn't notice the ground shaking and the trees swaying. Nor did they notice the clouds parting... revealing a full moon.
Cherry May's breathing began to get heavy. At first, Chuck thought it was because of the heat of their passion, but then she started to hyperventilate.
“What's the matter?” Chuck spluttered.
Just as he asked this, he caught a glimpse of little hairs growing - and glimmering in the moonlight - on Cherry May's upper lip,. “Cherry May, you have a … mustache,” he exclaimed in disgust, wiping his tongue with his hand.
Cherry May paid this no heed, because she was staring at a cylindrical speck that was emerging from the moon. The speck was getting larger. Suddenly, more appeared. They could now see that they were gray saucer shaped flying objects. Countless scores of these “flying saucers” filled the skies.
Chuck saw the fear in Cherry May's eyes, and took a deep breath, forgot about the hair issue, swelled his chest up with all the football courage he could muster and said “Don't you worry none Cherry May, ain't nothin' goin' hurt you when I'm around.”
Cherry looked at Chuck with immense pride and love, but was suddenly wracked with convulsions.
“Oh gosh, not now," she managed to squeeze out of her clenched teeth. "They can't be back yet. Run Chuck, they're coming.”
“Who are 'they'?”
'M-m-m my family.” As she stuttered this, more hair started to sprout all over her face and body. Her mouth started to elongate, stretching her lipstick into a hideous parody of a hairy clown. Her hands and feet grew longer, and stronger. She stood up and howled at the moon. All that remained of the Cherry May that Chuck once lusted after was her little cheerleader's uniform, which was stretched almost to bursting on her now muscular, hirsute frame.
"Oh Cherry May, you are ever so hairy," cried a shocked Chuck. Then he noticed the look of hunger in her eyes... this was the last thing he ever saw. He didn't get to see the flying saucers land, nor the countless werewolf cheerleaders alight, all hungry for jocks.
Justin’s girlfriend Caitlin had been nagging him for weeks to do the dishes. She joked if he didn’t, they would soon be harboring new life-forms in their kitchen. Unfortunately, Justin didn’t listen to Caitlin. So it was a shock when he came home to find that the seemingly impossible had happened. The house was a mess. It looked like it had been broken into. Not only that, Justin found Caitlin sobbing hysterically in the bedroom.
“What’s wrong?” Justin asked. “There’s a… a thing, in the kitchen,” replied Caitlin between sobs. “A thing? What kind of a thing?”
“A man-eating thing. It came after me. Luckily I managed to close the door on it in time. I’m not sure Ralph was so lucky.” Ralph was their 11 year old poodle. “Are you sure it’s gone?” asked Caitlin in concerned tones. “Well, I can’t see anything in the house. Hang on, I’ll just go look out in the backyard.” Justin looked around. There were no man-eating things in the backyard, though there was evidence of something. There lying forlorn on the grass was Ralph, or, more accurately half of Ralph. The other half having been devoured by some kind of large animal, by the looks of things.
Justin went back into the house. “I have bad news. I found Ralph, but he’s not in a good state. He seems to have been partially devoured by something.”
“Oh no, poor dog. I knew I should have tried to save him. But it was difficult enough just saving myself.” Caitlin broke into a stream of tears again.
Justin was having trouble believing the events transpiring around him. “Can you tell me what this thing looked like? Perhaps we should warn someone about it.” He said, uncertainly.
“It… it was made up of saucepans, plates and cutlery. It had knives as teeth, I remember that much. It kept angrily gnashing them at me.”
“Good grief. Who should I call? The fire brigade? The police?”
Caitlin turned on the television. “Wait, look!”
“We interrupt this program with reported sightings of an out of control dirty dish creature. Dubbed the dirty dish monster, the creature was last seen heading towards the CBD, devouring any animal or human that comes across its path. If you see a big pile of dirty dishes making its way down a main street, do not panic, simply turn around and run in the opposite direction. Better still, avoid going outside, close all doors and windows and await further instruction.”
“Well it looks like the fire brigade already knows about it. I guess all we can do is sit and wait,” said Justin.“We can’t just sit here and do nothing. It’s your fault that the creature is on the loose in the first place. We should be out there helping to get rid of it somehow.”
“Just how do you suppose we get rid of it? It had knives as teeth you told me Caitlin, knives as teeth!” exclaimed Justin. “There’s only one way to stop a dirty dish monster and that’s with water and detergent, and plenty of it,” said Caitlin with a new resolve in her eye. She got the dishwashing liquid out of the cupboard under the sink and put on her dishwashing gloves. “It’s time to do the dishes,” she said.
“Right, it’s settled then. We’ll unleash the mutating ray-guns on the Earth’s animals and plant-life after lunch,” concluded Ishaka of planet Golgonoa. It had been a long meeting. Ishaka looked down the long table at the weary faces of the various leaders from the planets of all the known galaxies. At last, they had come to a decision.
Little did the earthly humans know that all along their existence had not been a matter of evolution, but the result of an intergalactic bet which had gotten way out of hand. A billion years ago, an early leader of planet Golgonoa, Isamesh, had bet that, should a race be given mastery over their planet and all the creatures in it, they would no doubt take advantage of this position of power, and kill and maim not only their fellow creatures and members of their own species but also upset the very balance of the planet’s ecosystem itself. Pacadta of Pluto disagreed with this assertion, and bet that no species could be so insensitive in the treatment of their own planet. In order to prove his point, Isamesh created the species he called ‘human’ and set them forth upon Earth to multiply, and to live as they pleased. Isamesh kept tabs on his planet, beaming himself down from flying saucers every now and then to check the progress of his little experiment.
Even when Isamesh finally died, the Golgonoads kept an eye on the Earth, attempting to prove their legendary leader’s assertion correct. Besides, they didn’t want to lose a bet to the Plutonians. No-one loses a bet to the Plutonians without centuries of intergalactic teasing and name-calling. However, it had been long enough now to prove Isamesh’s logic correct. Over the course of their inhabitation of Earth, humans had unleashed all kinds of peril upon themselves and their planet: war, disease, global warming, holes in the ozone layer. It was clear that planet Earth was going down the proverbial toilet at an astonishing rate. However, the Plutonians were sore losers, and they demanded that since they had lost the bet, they should at least, as consolation, be given the opportunity to teach the humans a lesson. As the Golgonoads had no further use for planet Earth after the conclusion of their experiment, they agreed. They and the other intergalactic leaders might even join in on the game. It’s not every day that you get the opportunity to wage an apocalyptic war on an unsuspecting planetary race. Besides, thought Ishaka, such a joining together of planetary leaders to end the human tyranny could also build their teamworking skills and promote good camaraderie between leaders.
Their plan was simple: they would go into the enemy’s territory targeting the main cities of every country and shoot every living non-human thing they could find with their mutating ray-guns. This would cause mass destruction as mutated animals and wildlife wreaked havoc on their surrounding environments and the humans inhabiting them. This was going to be fun, thought Ishaka to himself, stroking his mutating ray-gun as he stood in his own private flying saucer soaring on a direct trajectory towards the Earth.
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